Title: What Can't Be Done
Author: GWApricot

To Link Worshiper.
Some HeeroDuo joy.

++++

Time.

It flies by you like leaves in the wind. But sometimes you see something in the twists of days and years that makes you jump after it through any loops, chase it against the strong gusts that blow sand into your eyes and reach out your arms just to catch it.

It could be a little yellow flower in the sea of emerald green.

Or it could be a lock of brown hair, waving in the wind, dancing with the autumnal leaves.

++++

I had never seen Duo without his braid. It was attached to his head as surely as horses have tails and just like those tails, it made itself known swinging with his brisk motions instead of laying tamely on his back. I had noticed it for the first time when he had developed a conscience and came to rescue me from the hospital. Before that, I was slightly too busy dodging bullets to give it the admiration it deserved.

My first real glimpse of him made me think of a white devil pretending to be a Japanese working class man from the early 1900BCo. His clothes were so worn they looked blue in the electric light and the braid snaking down his back led my thoughts to servants in shady shops, offering the snobby and decadent Englishmen opium from beautifully carved pipes.

I wonder how he would feel, if I told him that? Maybe it would make him swat at me? Maybe I'd get a black eye for my effort? My sense of humor often tends to lack timing and discretion, a trait I have been made aware of, but one I cannot fully recognize. You laugh at what's funny, don't you?

So, he had appeared there, by my side, he was helping me out and I knew something had happened to me. It had started with Relena, but now it was reaching new heights, and keeping my focus on my ultimate goal, which was to end it all and bring final peace to myself, was blurring. How was I supposed to keep my mind at dying when I was starting to get so interested in the world around me? I didn't want to look at his huge, lively eyes, so I stared at his hair instead. That became a routine for me, shooting him only warning glances while secretly giving my full attention to his braid.

I became very familiar with the brown of it. It was warm and not very dark, and it made me think of chocolate and for some reason, sweaters. Little hairs were escaping it everywhere, and the end of it was slightly frizzled with some split-end hairs poking out from the tip. He wore bangs that sort of stood up from the root by themselves, which made me think that his hair must be naturally curly, or curling at least. As you can see, I have spent a lot of time sitting tight-lipped beside him, feigning disinterest; staring at that plait.

I had a slight crush on Relena. Yes, I did... She was very lovely, really pretty, and looked very classy: the kind of girl a boy dreams of showing off on his arm. It stroked my ego more than I can tell you that she seemed to be so desperately in love with me. But that was enough. I didn't need to be with her. The image of her, and the knowledge that she cared were enough for me. I never sought for her company. I really treated her very badly.

Duo, on the other hand, was someone I needed to be with. If I didn't know where he was, I would go find him. He wanted me around as well, I could tell, but I had an inkling that what was growing inside my chest was far more intense than what he was prepared for. He could be focused and rational in a very practical way, but at the same time, he was very much a child still, not mature in the field of emotions at all.

At first, I hated them both as everyone knows. The samurai have a rule: "Think of yourself as if you were already dead to best serve your master". Now, it isn't very easy to see yourself as a rather recent corpse, when you have people running around you, demanding you to participate in things and forcing you to enjoy their company.

Yes, one could say that they were really breaking my concentration on that one.

The very last nail to the coffin of my death wish was hammered in on that warm day, in October 197AC. That day I forgot all else, because I knew I needed to live to see it again. As much as I had been convinced to choose life during the war, a tiny seed of doubt had never left my chest. Mostly, I was open to life, to all of it's riches that sparkled in blinding colors and beckoned me to try them, but the backdoor was still there for me, ready for me to open it if ever I felt like I couldn't handle living after all.

All of us gundam pilots were invited to a party Relena was hosting. She was still single, her life completely dedicated to her cause, but even she still needed to relax herself sometimes and perhaps she wanted to see us as well.

It had been a long and tiring day, and we were resting. It wasn't easy for any of us to be treated as celebrities like the other guests were doing and so we had withdrawn to one of Relena's cabins that she had scattered around her estate. We had all been out separately, and I was returning to the cabin as the first one, or so I thought. I was looking forward to spending some time alone, and maybe playing some solitaire.

It was warm, and the wind carried all of the pleasant smells of early autumn with it. The sun was shining on my back, warming it, and the gravel was crunching pleasantly under my shoes. Happy with staring at the dark greens, yellows and reds that were surrounding me I didn't pay any attention to anything else, until I was almost at the yard. As I then shifted my gaze from tree leaves to the cabin expecting to face the dark brown wooden door, I nearly fell on my behind.

He was standing partially sideways to me, and he had not noticed me yet, or then he was just ignoring me, I do not know. His large, deep eyes were staring very thoughtfully at the distance, the cheerful, round arcs of his eyebrows knotted above them in a manner that suggested concentration. His mouth looked determined, and the firm square of his jaw was just delicate enough to tell the viewer of willpower, not pigheadedness. I was staring at his face, thinking that I must have been blind never to see how utterly beautiful it was before. But that was not what had made me lose my composure so completely.

He was standing half naked, and his torso was completely covered in a brown veil of hair. Sometimes a few locks of it rose to ride on the wind, enveloping him in a cloud of gilded strands, and I was breath taken by the sight. I had never seen his hair open before.

I followed it with my gaze, down his hard, wide chest, over his round strong shoulders to his slim and muscular arms. My whole body was tensed now, throbbing, The wind carried his scent to my nostrils, and I made a small sound. I couldn't turn my eyes away and then he turned his gaze on me. Our eyes interlocked, and suddenly I was burning with desire. It was like the small flame that had always been there had been suddenly been ignited into a huge fire. Everything I had ever felt for him fell into place and I took a shaky step toward him, reaching my hand out.

Our eyes were still locked, as my fingers found his hair. They reached for a strand that was waving in the wind, and twined it around them. Tugged ever so gently. Let the hair flow through them, feeling the titillating sensation of it streaming on my skin. I reached for more hair, letting my fingers sink into it right next to his neck. He was so close... My breathing had gotten heavy, and his mouth had fallen open. I could hear the raspy breaths he drew as our gazes kept drilling into each other.

I let my fingers skate on the wet surface, down, down until they met skin through it. He shivered, and then I felt my fingertips stumble into a hard nub. He let out a louder moan and the he suddenly blinked and tore himself away from me. In his eyes I had seen a million emotions swirl, until I was staring at something my still-dazed brain had a hard time placing into this situation. His face was white and on that white surface was drawn the mask of complete panic.

A bird sang, and the moment shattered.

++++

"Heero!" he laughed, too loudly. His face was still too pale, and for a moment I had no idea what he was doing. "Yeah, I was just washing my hair here. I'm just gonna go inside and plait it. It won't take a sec." and he flashed me blindingly bright fake smile. I jumped, when the door a split second afterwards slammed to my face. I was left standing, running my hand through my bangs, as is my habit when I am baffled, and I was just staring at the wooden surface trying to understand what it was doing there.

Duo hadn't been lying. Only a minute later he appeared smiling cheerfully, his hair tightly braided, wearing a long-sleeved shirt. He marched past me and when he was some few meters away from me he turned and told me: "I'm going to go look for Quatre. He left first, and he's just used to all that sand, he won't know where he's going in this big park. " I turned slowly around, blinking like an idiot.

"Oh and, there's no need to make a number out of the fact that I decided to wash up in the cabin instead of using Relena's fancy bathrooms. She would be hurt, since she prepared them for us especially, you know."

Another bright fake smile was thrown my way but his eyes were cold like two stones. I could not mistake the tone in his voice either.

That had been a warning.

++++

The next time I got to see Duo's hair open, was two years later. After the incident at the cabin Duo had avoided me when he could, and when he couldn't, his body was always rigid as if he was an animal getting ready to flee, and he was full of that bright, sharp, uncomfortable making cheer that was only meant for keeping me at an arm's length.

I grew sad, and I didn't go through any especial pains to conceal it. Why should I have? What had I done that was so wrong, after all? I hadn't forced him into... What? What was that, that which had happened and taken my friend away from me? I was angry with him at times. I still needed him, but now it wasn't only a question of getting up and finding him. This time he was deliberately hiding from me. I know I turned quiet, and when I did see him, it was hard for me to meet his eyes. So, I turned my attention to my old friend the braid, again.

It had grown, his hair. He really needed a haircut. The ends had gotten horrible. Didn't he care for it any longer? Had he ever cared for it to begin with? I realized I didn't know, but the calming shade of brown was still the same, and drowning into it I could imagine that we were still friends, like we used to be.

Duo's eyes were pained when I looked at them and so I looked away. I didn't understand. But after this, he started seeking for my company more often. I received a hesitant phone call, his voice like a ghost of itself, a misty whisper on the other end. He wanted to know what I was doing the next weekend. I wanted to tell him that I had planned spending the weekend alone behind drawn curtains grieving because someone really important had left me behind, but instead I just told him that I was free.

The gradual restoration of our friendship started from that weekend. He had a fearful glint in his eyes sometimes, but mostly he was himself. I never attempted to touch him, but my vision of him had been altered. I was always in the presence of the one I had seen drying his hair in the sunshine. Familiar and strange, new and old at the same time.

My feelings, the ones that had broken their way out of the egg that day, kept growing and solidifying. It was an odd experience, not being able to stop them from growing their roots into my heart, melding with my flesh, and becoming one with me. It felt so strange sometimes, that he should be sitting at the other end of the couch, when he was a part of me already. Seeing him there always startled me, because my body couldn't understand why he wasn't in my arms, head resting against my chest, arms and legs twined into mine, breathing as one being. Wasn't he a part of me? It felt as weird as seeing your arm calmly resting on the other side of the room.

I frightened myself with these thoughts.

++++

That second time when his hair opened for me again, we were visiting Quatre.

Quatre had a birthday and he had invited all of us guys to celebrate it with him in his small flat. It could be called a penthouse because it was the topmost floor, but what it actually was, was an attic. He had a few faded red leather sofas, lovely antique coffee tables, beanbags and knick-knacks everywhere. It was not the kind of place you thought you could find a desert prince in, but it was very cozy and looked lived in. You could really feel that it was somebody's home, and the more I thought about it, the better our golden prince fit into his apartment.

Trowa was lounging on one of the sofas gracefully like a big cat taking a nap, Wufei was sitting cross-legged on the floor trying to hold on to a plastic bag which Duo was busy prying from his hands, and I was standing by one of the coffee tables, looking for a coaster for my drink.

Quatre emerged from the kitchen blushing with delight. We had brought him a cake, which he was now carrying, and soon we had all settled around it. Trowa lit the candles one by one as I ran to turn off the lights. When I came back, the tiny room was illuminated by candlelight, and Quatre kept looking at us over his cake and smiling so happily I wanted to laugh.

"Heeey, Quatre! Now you have to blow the candles and make a wish!" Duo was clapping at Quatre's shoulder just a tiny bit too enthusiastically. His cheeks were glowing, and I suspected he had had one beer too many but it didn't matter. Quatre laughed his bright, beautiful laughter, and swatted Duo's hand away to concentrate on sucking air into his lungs. Then he blew as hard as he could, managing to blow some of the whipped cream right on Wufei's black slacks.

Immediately after he was done, Duo started hollering "What did you wish for?? What did you wish for?!" But he had not seen in the darkness, with his back to the window, what I had seen. I doubted he would have noticed it even if he had seen it. The glittering whites of Quatre's eyes had betrayed the direction he was looking in, and when I absentmindedly followed is gaze, I was met with a tall figure, eyes obscured by his hair and the darkness, but the shape of his lips curving into the gentlest of smiles.

"Ooooh" I thought. "I seeee."

The evening progressed with all of us getting more cozy and chatting away, eating cake, drinking coffee with that, and then after it more beer. Quatre drank champagne.

At one point, Wufei was sitting on the floor; his hair hanging on his face and Duo had plopped down next to him, pestering him to tell what was wrong with him. After some more nudging, Wufei lift his slim, bony fingers to his face and rubbed at it tiredly.

"Sally... Sally said..." He let his hands fall into his lap and sighed.

"What?" prompted Duo, his eyes filled with friendly concern.

"She... I waited all this time to grow up enough to ask her out and she... I thought that ever since Heero blew Zechs from the face of this earth..."

I cringed, peering at Wufei under my bangs. He bowed slightly, apologizing silently for his bluntness.

" She said that she was not available after all. She had... She and Lucretia Noin are moving in together. And I mean- I don't mean as roommates."

Now I was secretly holding my breath. My hand was gripping my knee and I was biting my lower lip. I was really sorry for Wufei, but my whole focus at that point was rather on Duo, what he would say, how he would react... These two friends moving in together resembled surprisingly much some of my own hidden and un-analyzed dreams. Dreams I had enjoyed and then forgotten because I wasn't completely certain about what they meant.

"Aww man. That really sucks for you." Here Duo nudged Wufei, who swung slightly.

"But think of it this way: two more people on this world, who do not need to go to bed lonely. You'll find a girl Fei. The girl you were looking just happened not to be Sally. It happens, man. "

A wave of almost desperate relief washed over me. It was very important to me what Duo thought about Sally and Lucretzia and he had said exactly what I had been hoping I'd hear. My own dreams were blurry, but I was beginning to suspect that was because I wouldn't face them directly. Duo was a kind and friendly man. He would have compassion for everyone. But would his compassion be enough for me?

I caught myself thinking that, and tried to shake the thought. Why would I need his compassion? But there were voices whispering in the back of my mind, telling me of things I knew very well, felt every day, but never really thought about. The conversation moved on to other things, but I was listening only with a half an ear. My mind was elsewhere.

Wufei left first. We called him a cab and shoved him into it. We paid the driver in advance, and sent him on his way. Wufei hadn't been drinking much, but he was exhausted. Trowa, Duo and I still stayed.

The apartment was warm and I was beginning to feel a bit groggy. I wasn't sure where everyone was, so I stretched out on the couch, smelling the leather, enjoying the way it was returning my body heat to me. The lights were dim, and I felt safe. My eyes began to close.

I felt a warm weight at the end of the sofa upon my legs. Duo yawned loudly, and drew his knees up, completely crunching my feet, but I wouldn't have complained if he had been bouncing on them. My heart started to beat like a hammer and suddenly I was wide-awake, his warmth the only focal point in my universe. I didn't dare move lest I'd scare him away.

Then, just as he had slumped down and looked like he was sleeping, I heard two sets of footsteps tiptoeing past us to the tiny hall. We could see it perfectly from where we sat. It wasn't even a hall, just a tiny alcove in front of the door, only a mirror and an old, rickety, straw colored phone desk fitting in to it.

The scene I saw only lasted for about a second. A tall figure appeared, followed by a smaller one, and they stopped. The tall one turned to the small one, tilted his chin carefully with his other hand, and bent down. Even in the semi-dark, I could see the willingly parting lips as they met each other; the smaller figure leaning towards the taller one to better fit their mouths together.

Then it was over and they were whispering.

"Stay."

"You know I couldn't keep my hands off you if I did. I better go...for now."

A sigh.

"I'll walk you to the door then."

The door clicked softly after them, and they were gone. We were left in the darkness.

++++

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until my lungs began to ache. This was important, so important. I could sense that something truly meaningful was about to happen but every time my brain tried to make sense of it I kept seeing visions of Duo raising from the couch and something inside me was screaming. I had lost him before. I never wanted to lose him again.

Time was ticking away and I was almost on the verge of breaking the silence myself when I felt a hesitant touch of fingers on my thigh. They were just there for a moment to get my attention, but I could feel the small impressions caused by the feather light pressure as if he had touched my bare skin. It always felt like that when he touched me, as if I were unclothed and he had access to my nude form and even deeper than that, as if he could reach right into my body and touch my very core. Every time he retreated it felt like I was deprived of something, like something belonging to me was taken away.

I swallowed lightly bowing my head. I could feel my bangs tickling my nose.

"Heero" he whispered. His voice sounded so small in the darkness, so young. "Did you... Are they..? Did you know about that?"

I nodded my head.

For a long moment he didn't say anything. Then he shifted on my legs. I could hear the swishing sound of his jeans and the creak of the leather.

"Why didn't you say anything?" This time his voice was that of a lost little child.

"I didn't know either. I only figured it out tonight myself." I couldn't stop staring at a spot somewhere in the darkness, my head still bent. My mouth was dry and suddenly my eyes were stinging. Images of that warm autumn's day a few years ago began popping into my head. Images of Duo's eyes and how it had felt to drown into them. The feel of his hair. The feel of his skin. The painful feeling in my chest when he looked at me with such hostile rejection and turned away from me.

" I would have liked to know. Now I feel so...dumb."

I was blinking really hard now. I prayed he didn't notice. I couldn't help the tremor in my voice when I answered him.

"I think... I think Trowa and Quatre would be so sad...so devastated, if you abandoned them..."

STOP TALKING! A voice was screaming in my head. Change the subject, please. You don't need to be talking about this.

What was "this" anyway?

Suddenly I felt his hand on my knee. He was caressing it gently, softly, in round, soothing motions. When he spoke, I could hear the tightness in his throat.

"Heero... I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you-"

I cut him off. I just couldn't bear to hear the rest of it. I had no idea what he was going to say and I dreaded hearing it like nothing before. I just wanted him to stop talking and keep caressing my knee forever, while I was weeping silently on the other end of the couch.

"They're taking their sweet time." I said, teardrops running down my face. One was sliding down my nose.

"Yeah..." said he, hiding his surprise at being interrupted. His hand never ceased its motion. He was smoothing the fabric now and I loved every stroke. The feeling of it made more and more teardrops emerge and my throat was so tight that even breathing was painful. Duo drew a shaky breath.

"They're probably...kissing, you know", said he. "Kissing like it's the last night on earth before Quatre comes back home to his two passed out buddies snoring on the cough. He had to- He had to tell his beloved to go home on his birthday because he didn't trust his friends to-" Duo's voice faded.

I raised my arm to wipe at my face with my sleeve. I no longer cared if he saw. My nose had begun to run, too. The fingers of his other hand emerged on my other leg, splaying over it, trying to curl around it.

"It's not right, is it?" he asked. I shook my head a little before I answered to him.

"No. No it isn't. It's his birthday and here we are."

He completed my thought before I had the chance to do so myself.

" We should go and get them back. And congratulate them. And then we should tell them that we'll call tomorrow and then we should go home."

I began to feel better. Yes, that was exactly what we should do. Why were we still here?

Getting something to do was refreshing to me. It softened the ache in my chest and eased the painful knot in my stomach. I wiped my eyes one more time as I felt Duo move away from me and jumped off the sofa. I could feel my own legs prickling, and rubbed at the calves for a moment before I stood up as well. Duo didn't turn on the living room light. I was happy about it since my face must have been blotchy and red. I watched his broad shoulders and round behind as he walked into the small hall where out coats and shoes were. I loved every motion, every curve and hard line on his body. I could get hypnotized just looking at it.

He flicked the hall light on and turned his head toward me.

"Where are your shoes?"

The ceiling. I was only looking at the ceiling, innocently. Innocently with my red-rimmed eyes. My red rimmed eyes that had not been looking at anything improper just a moment before. No sir.

I wobbled after him on my unsteady feet and crouched down to pull on my sneakers. I could smell his hair and our legs kept brushing against one another, as we were hurriedly fastening our shoelaces. Duo was ready before me, and stood up to wait for me.

As I lift my eyes I found myself staring directly at his crotch. Weird thoughts flooded my brain and I quickly stood up as well while watching the shadows dance on his skin. He was frowning slightly, but it wasn't directed at me. As his eyes met mine the distant look disappeared from his face and he smiled. "Ready?" he asked and as I nodded, he turned the lock and pushed at the door, holding it open for me.

We had barely taken two steps when a golden head came to our vision. Quatre was walking slowly, climbing the stairs with his shoulders slightly hunched. At the sound of our footsteps he lift his tired gaze and gave us a friendly but puzzled smile.

"Oh, hey. I thought the two of you were sleeping? You're not going home, are you?"

"Where's Trowa?" asked Duo, disregarding Quatre's questions completely and somewhat rudely in his haste, even if it was for Quatre's good. The boy took it calmly, being used to his friend's quick bursts of emotion.

"Well, he just left, he took a cab-" Quatre never had a chance to finish his sentence. Duo's eyes widened and he grasped my arm, looking almost insane.

"Come on!" he shouted and rushed forward. I tumbled after him; arm still firmly in his grasp. Quatre's silhouette flew past me in a blur of color and I could smell his cologne as I tried to make my feet obey me. We were leaping down the stairs frighteningly fast and I realized I was having fun. This was completely ridiculous of us, chasing a car on foot, but it didn't really matter.

And so it ended, that Duo and I were sitting on pavement, panting and laughing while Duo was busy trying to dial Trowa's number with my gracious help. When we had finally managed to dial the number we were both in stitches, drunk, laughing and swaying here and there, occasionally leaning on each other's shoulder. We managed to yell to the cellular phone that we knew all about Tro and Q and that we demanded his hasty return because no birthday person should ever have to go without hot, passionate cowboy gay sex on their birthday... Of course we had dialed the wrong number.

++++

We did manage to get a hold of Trowa eventually and explain everything to him. He told us he would go back, naturally, and at some point he walked past us, inviting us to return with him. We naturally told him that we couldn't do that. Quatre's shout for joy at their reunion could be heard even a few blocks away and I felt so good inside that there were just no words to describe it.

My mind summoned an idle and hazy image of my two friends making love and I wasn't disgusted, I was just happy. I wanted them to be as happy as humanly possible because right at that moment, there on the sidewalk, I felt like I was seeing stars and they were dancing and indigo blue. Duo and I were together again. Nothing could shake me now; nothing could ever break me. Duo was with me again, and I felt safe and completely happy, like I could never want for anything more.

He was laughing at my dry humor just like he used to and I was guffawing at his jokes that always went too far and crossed the line. Who could bear us, but us? Our friends, perhaps, but this feeling of perfection was just between him and I. I really was home again, safe again, and all because Duo and I were together.

When the wind blew his hair to my direction, I gathered it into my fingers, pressing threads of it onto my face and I laughed my love and relief into it. Never. I would never go without Duo ever again, not for an hour, not for a minute. I had no home without him: I was just a wondering soul, the poor boy who had left everything behind, wearing only a thin denim jacket and maybe his courage... perhaps his heart on his sleeve, at least when it came to Duo. But with him... With Duo, I was safe sitting on the curb; I was safe in the heart of the night. Duo was my home.

The realization felt the same as seeing the Libra explode had felt. The light was blinding, the force shooting me off into space. The atmosphere around earth was burning me once again and I turned to tell him exactly how I felt, only to be met by his suddenly quiet mouth, the silent desperate plea of his beautiful eyes. He wasn't ready to hear it- of course not. What had I been thinking? I smiled my quiet smile, allowing my thick, dark bangs to obscure my eyes.

" I want us to stick together," I said, my smile coloring my voice. I hoped he was attuned to me enough to read the subtle changes in my voice, to sense the smile he couldn't see. Luckily for me, that wasn't too much for Duo.

"Yeah, Heero, you're pretty good company too", he said. And then, after a pause he continued: "I've really missed having you around. Like truly with me, and not just in the same space..." At that moment he couldn't have said anything that would have pleased me more, made my life better. He could have maybe made it even better by kissing me, but not much. The happiness inside my chest was a flower made of sunshine, bright and warming, blooming with breathtaking blossoms. I took his hand into mine and squeezed it. He let me.

"Can I sleep over at your place tonight?" I asked. He let me.

"Can I brush your hair when we get to your place?" I asked. He was smirking softly, pulling me up by my arm.

He let me.

++++

The third time I saw him with his hair open was some six months after Quatre's birthday. Quatre and Trowa were now officially an item and their love was so natural and ever present that it made us both wonder how we hadn't seen it before. They hadn't really changed the way they treated each other, after all. Love was present in every look, in every casual touch.

This meant of course, that we had to stay out of their way a little to give them the "honey-moon" they deserved. This, in turn, led to us spending more and more time together and I had never felt so happy, I had never felt so right in my life. The only thing I could wish for was that I could return at least a fragment of the happiness I got from just being with Duo back to him.

I loved him with all my heart and admitting this for the first time was like a self-discovery. It isn't enough to just exist; sometimes you have to take great pains to learn how to exist truthfully, for if your existence is a lie, what is it worth?

Duo's eyes were warm now, like a summer evening's sky. He often had a tiny, soft smile playing on his lips and he would tease me by smacking me softly with his braid, letting it tumble over my shoulder and into my lap. I would say: "Well, this isn't mine", to which he would respond: "But you'd look good in a Mohawk", every time.

On that particular evening we were sitting in Duo's apartment, side by side on his mattress that lay on the floor, nearly cocooned inside the comfortable nest that his crumpled bedclothes made. We had been playing Play Station, but now our controllers sat abandoned on floor, the television screen muted.

We were just chatting away, when he thumped me with his braid again and we went through our usual, nearly ritual exchange of words. That was when I suddenly started wondering whether he was really being serious about it and I turned around, his braid still over my shoulder, my hands gripping the end of it. He was amazingly close, our noses almost touching. I was inhaling his breath and he just kept on smiling and smirking, blowing air to my bangs and laughing quietly. Enjoying his proximity, I searched his eyes with my own.

"That Mohawk thing has nothing to do with your braid, Duo. Do you really think I should do a Mohawk? Would it make me look more appealing somehow?"

He laughed, then, and shook his head violently. "No, Heero! It's just a come back, that's all. You know that. You have great hair! I really like it. Really, really like it.." and he put his hand into my hair.

This surprised us both, but he never fled. His smile faltered for a span of two seconds only to return softer and somehow brighter than before. He kept brushing his fingers through my hair, first mussing it up and then smoothing it over, again and again and again. I could feel his body heat and see the pores on his nose. His breath was hot on my lips and the smile in the deep blue of his eyes was reserved for me only.

"I like you the way you are, any way you want to be."

Then he retracted his hand but kept his eyes locked with mine. He reached his hands over and closed them over my fingers, which were still gripping the end of his braid. He squeezed harder, and began pulling softly, making me slowly pull off his hair tie. He was staring intently into my eyes, not allowing me to avert my gaze or blink. As our joint fingers slid the tie off his hair, I felt as if something would have slid down my stomach also, past my navel and lower. My lips were suddenly so dry, my breath heavy. I never stopped looking into his eyes.

"You can touch it", he murmured. "I know you want to".

My eyes were so dry they were stinging and as he let go of my fingers, they slapped limply against my thigh. He smiled and shook his head. Some of the braid came loose. He shook more and combed it with his fingers, once again challenging my gaze with his own. "Come on", he said. "Touch it".

I drew such a raspy breath that it completely embarrassed me and lift my shaky hand toward him. The setting sun cast its rays through his dirty window, giving him a blazing halo of gold and red. His tresses shone. My eyes had gone as wide as saucers. I put my palm hesitantly on his shoulder. He closed his eyes and smiled, tilting his head back slightly. When he opened them again his pupils were so dilated that his gaze was nearly black.

My other hand sunk into the tresses near his neck, much in the same way it had done on that faithful day, nearly three years ago. I combed my hand through his hair a couple of times, letting my other hand come alive and join the motion on the other side. Something almost ferocious bubbled up inside of me and suddenly the way my hands were moving was not marveling anymore, but full of want. They slid hungrily down the silky ropes, then out leaving tangles behind, then up and in again. I let my fingertips graze his scalp behind his ears and his head lolled back.

"Mm, Heero. Feels good..."

My heart was thudding, my groin was throbbing, my lips were tingling and I couldn't have held myself back anymore if I'd tried. Lucky for me, I don't think I was supposed to.

I plunged forward, cupping his head into my hands, holding it up and tilting it, landing my chapped lips on the corner of his mouth, which was soft, pliant, which twitched to return the touch. He let out a tiny guttural noise and then my nose was brushing against his cheek, the soft, moist insides of my lips pressing harder against his upper lip. His arms were around me, his other hand supporting me by my lower back, the fingers of the other one massing the back of my skull and my neck as his lips opened, closed on my lower lip, sucked, my legs parted and I slid along his jeans into his lap, grinding myself against him.

He let out a louder sound, opening his mouth and I felt his teeth, his tongue, as it brushed against my lips. He pecked me on my nose, he pecked me softly to the corner of my mouth, he opened my lips with his own and curled his tongue around mine and suddenly I was trying to devour him, my hands gripping his hips, pressing us painfully close together as I slid up and down, up and down against him.

He ceased his kisses for a second to shout "Oh Heero!" and fell flat on his back. His hair framed his frantic face as he tore his buttons open and grabbed my hand, shoving it down his boxers. I touched him, I held him, I curled my fingers around him as firmly as I could and pumped him.

His eyes flew shut, his face scrunched up as in half agony, half ecstasy his whole upper body arched up from the mattress and he half shouted, half begged "Oh God, Heero, HeeroHeeroHeeroHeero, faster, go faster, God, please, HARDER!!"

I squeezed him hard and plunged back down after his lips. He screwed his eyes open with utmost difficulty and broke the button on my jeans in his impatience to get it open. He yanked down the zipper, yanked down my shorts and closed around me in a grip so firm and lusty, all I could do was wail. I wanted his kisses, more of his kisses, and I bent down sucking on the soft flesh of his lips, sucking on his tongue, rubbing our mouths together in a clumsy, frenzied kiss, moving my hand so fast that all sound got stuck in his throat as he came. He kept sliding his sticky fingers over the head of my sex, massaging it better than I had ever known how, then suddenly gripping me and pumping me so ferociously that I no choice but to come, wheezing out my pleasure, my throat sore and my brow glistening with sweat.

I collapsed on top of him, my face buried in his sweaty shirt. For a moment I felt afraid. I could barely understand what had just transpired and some bewildered part of me was screaming that these things never ended well. Then his arms came, and changed the whole world for me.

He tried to be gentle, he tried not to squash my face or break my neck. He tried not to suffocate me against him, but he couldn't keep himself from hugging me close, from trying to anchor me to himself and maybe press me against his body until I became as one with it, never to be parted from it again. The way his fingers were gripping my shoulders told me tales of longing. The way his palm occasionally slid across my back, smoothing my shirt against it spoke of gentleness. I heard my name escape his lips in a tired whisper and lift my head. His eyes were staring at me totally unveiled, painfully unshielded by anything, and raw.

"Heero. You... You mean more to me than..." his voice simply dried, but as the sound disappeared, the expression on his face intensified. I had never seen anyone so painfully honest, so full of such huge, violent emotion. His eyes bore into me and his lips were quivering. I dragged my tired hand up to lift up his shirttail and kiss his navel. "I love you", I said. "But then, you know that."

Relief washed over me as I thought: All I need is this. This is all I need.

I cried.

++++

END

++++