Title: Within You, Without You
Chapter: 3/3
Author: Link Worshiper
Pairing: 1=2, hints of 3=4
Stuff: Duo language, fluff, sap, post-EW, pseudo-death, Duo POV
Disclaimer: Mobile Suit Gundam Wing is copyright Bandai, Sotsu and Sunrise Agency. I've only written this to show love of my favourite characters and for Bura's very Halloweeny birthday - she's the slickest nighttime ninja I know!
Notes: Happy birthday to the ninjas of the night, and thanks to Natea for helping me flesh out the ideas - this story is just as much for you as it is Bura!

Thanks to Fancy Figures for the beta-test.

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“And I won't leave.
I can't hide.
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me.”

-- Dido

++++

The next day, I had to get out of the house before it killed me. I couldn't look at that computer of Heero's without feeling ill. Fate was such a double-edged blade! But the fact that last night's events had ensured that Heero didn't…. I didn't even want to think about it. Not to mention I didn't sleep well at all; I had one bad dream on top of another, and all of them left me staring into Heero's lifeless eyes. I woke up with sweat-drenched sheets.

I have no idea what Lady Une thought when she saw me show up at the office that morning, but she had the decency to keep it to herself. I toyed with going to see Sally right away, but then decided against it, figuring that there was only so much she could do before I had to get my act together and stand on my own fucking feet. Lost in a daze, I wandered towards my office, staring at the half-open door of Trowa's as I fumbled with the lock. I could only take so much disappointment in one day; I turned away and twisted the key.

The room definitely looked like no one had been regularly working there for about a year, which was about how long I'd been off. I'd stopped in every couple weeks to catch up and pick up any work I could do back home, but other than that, I'd pretty much just left the place to collect dust. I wrinkled my nose; it was actually pretty disgusting.

That morning was dedicated to getting the place ship-shape again. A couple people wandered by, casually greeting me or welcoming me back. Some of the greener agents just stood in the doorway to stare at the obsessive wacko scrubbing at invisible spots in the desk's varnish, but I quickly told them to fuck off: “Don't you people have jobs to do?” That sure sent them scattering. I guess my boisterous sarcasm had deteriorated into regular, old grouchiness. But I still say I had plenty to be grouchy about.

“I never thought I'd live to see the day Duo Maxwell became a neat-freak.”

My hand stilled at the sound of that voice. Was it really who I thought it was? Slowly, I turned my eyes towards the door, hoping to high heaven I wasn't hallucinating. I think I gasped like a fifteen year-old girl when I saw Trowa standing there, a friendly grin on his face and not a care in the world. I silently thanked everything holy that I wouldn't have to go out of my way to avoid Quatre anymore.

“Or maybe,” he went on thoughtfully, “you were just in the closet about this little peculiarity.”

Had Heero been around, I might have said he was trying to slap me with a double entendre; Trowa's sense of humour was far more sadistic and manipulative than most people cared to believe. Hell, there were times he could be even worse than Quatre, and by my book, that said something. But the idea was fleeting. I was getting more used to Heero's habit of dying every year with each passing Halloween. I was quickly fearing the day I gave up on him. It would probably be the day I gave up on everything else, too.

Nevertheless, when he invited me out for lunch, I accepted without even having to think about it.

++++

”Duo…? Duo!”

I yelped and startled, realizing that Quatre had been trying to get my attention for the past two and a half minutes. “What? What is it?”

Quatre, who was sitting to the right of me at lunch, let go of my sleeve and leaned his elbow on the table, nodding towards the young waitress standing behind Wufei. “A drink?” he reminded me, arching his eyebrows.

“Oh. Oh yeah,” I said, glancing down at the menu that lay in front of me, untouched. I paused for a moment, thinking, and then asked, “What do you have on tap?” When three pairs of eyes all focused on me worriedly, I quickly added, “That's not against the agency's policy, is it? A drink in the middle of the day?”

Wufei was still blinking at me, and Trowa didn't say anything. After getting over his initial concern, Quatre was the one to get it together enough to actually answer me. “No, Duo, I don't think so,” he said. “Everyone can indulge once in a while.”

“Okay, good,” I said, only half listening to him. I selected a beer from the list of brands the waitress listed for me and then settled back in my chair, staring back into space like I had been earlier.

Quatre whistled, “Jeez, you are one distracted guy!” Gingerly, he rested a hand on the back of my shoulder and said quietly, “You know Duo, if you don't think you're ready to come back, there's no one putting a gun to your head and forcing you -“

“No one's got a gun anywhere!” I snapped, shrugging his hand off. “Ain't a guy allowed to think once in a fucking while?”

“Duo, you're not thinking; you're completely zoning out,” Wufei piped up, frank as usual.

“You shut the fuck up,” I hissed, jabbing a finger across the table at him.

An indignant and rightfully insulted expression crossed Wufei's face, and he appeared just short of getting up and throttling me. I cracked my knuckles, hoping he'd get the message that I was perfectly willing to fight back if he even entertained the thought any further, and we fell into a game of angry staring.

“Are you okay, Duo?” Trowa asked, knitting his brow. “You've been acting strangely since you came back to work.”

At that moment, I felt it all just explode, and I let them hear exactly what was on my mind. “What do you think?” I asked sardonically. “Last night was Halloween, and all I can do is wonder about things that might have been if I wasn't such a dickless piece of shit!”

“Duo, you're not a -“

“Can it, Quatre! How the hell do you know what I am or am not?” I hated it when people tried to tell me things about myself, even if they might have been right. Placing both elbows on the table, I pressed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets and let out a heavy groan. “Why couldn't I ever get it together? All I ever do is wait for things to happen to me, and whenever I do try to make a move, I fuck shit up!” I ground my teeth together. “I suck!”

Ever the wealth of knowledge, Wufei said with an unsympathetic glare, “Well, we can see just how far your self-esteem has gotten you.”

“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up!” I hissed dangerously, leaning across the table in Wufei's direction. “Next time, why don't you try living with a ghost for a best friend. You try living every fucking day wishing you didn't keep running the fuck away the second you thought you were gonna mess shit up by admitting things you were afraid to! You try wishing you could kiss your dead, never-coming-back-EVER best fucking friend, okay? Go on! I fucking dare you, Wufei!” By then, my voice had risen a bit louder than the accepted quiet lunch volume, and I was getting a few mild stares from other patrons at the restaurant.

Wufei looked a bit taken aback, his elbows locked and his arms straight. “I'm sorry, Duo,” he said quietly, tactfully averting his eyes. “I didn't know you felt that way. About Yuy, that is.”

The waitress couldn't have brought my beer fast enough; I chugged it in two long draughts.

++++

I think the three of them - maybe even more than just them, really - had known the entire time how I felt about Heero, but putting it out in the open just seemed to make it that much more obvious. There was this certain way they'd all look at me, as if I was the most pitiable animal on the face of the planet, that made me want to go home to lie down in Heero's bed and never wake up again. I'd never felt so detached in my entire life.

When Halloween rolled around this year, I darkened all the lights in the house so it would look like no one was home and wrapped myself up in a blanket on the floor of Heero's room, staring at the shadows cast by the single candle I'd lit in his memory. “Here's to another lonely year,” I said, holding a can of soda aloft before I threw my head back and tipped about half it down my throat. The bubbles hurt and made me feel a little queasy, but it didn't really bother me much. Nothing really bothered me anymore.

I came to the conclusion that Fate was a big, fat, sadistic bitch that should have been raped by her uncle every other day. The same went for fucking Irony, too. I had the power to talk to Heero on the night of his death every year, and yet, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, Life felt like it was just damn fine to keep on marching without him. As if the world had no more need for Heero Yuy.

What did that matter? I still did.

Maybe that's all that mattered, I told myself, still nursing the soda. Maybe what some higher power was trying to tell me was that even if I couldn't bring him back, I could still tell him the things I said only in silence.

The blanket pooled around my bare feet as I stood up with the soda in one hand and Heero's candle in the other, moving towards the desk to set them down. The computer booted up with its usual low, hum, and before long, I was going through the motions of my yearly ritual.

“This is Mission Log 001031, commanding officer: Agent Duo Maxwell, ID #98624DH. Field agents, acknowledge, please.”

The tiny flame atop the candle bounced and jittered, casting my face and the area around the computer in a dark golden light. I found it kind of funny that people who didn't know Heero too well called him an ice prince. To me, Heero was embodied in that one, tiny flame: a small, passionate spark that refused to go out - who, for all his seeming insignificance, could spread wildfires. To me, Heero was warm, alive and free. Just like that tiny, little flame.

“Mission Log 001031: Agent Heero Yuy, ID #32565YM. 1600 hours: no problems.”

The sound of his deep voice shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. “Heero?” I called out tentatively. I didn't want him to think that this was mission-related. It was just… him-related.

“Duo?” The fast beats of his running feet slowed as if he was stopping to listen to me better. I wondered if he could tell that what I had to say was just that important. “What's wrong? You sound….”

“I know how I sound!” I said quickly, not giving him a chance to assign any depressing adjectives to me. The last thing I wanted to hear from Heero were the sort of things Trowa and the others had been saying to me lately.

“Is everything okay?” Heero asked, clearly concerned. “Did something happen? Do you need us to pull out? Are you hurt?” There was a sense of urgency in his tone, but once again, I failed at being able to distinguish if it was because of the mission or because he actually gave a damn or two.

I couldn't help but smile a little, despite the heavy stones in my chest. “You always think in extremes, don't you?”

“When dealing with people like you, yes, I do,” he answered smoothly. “I can never tell what you're going to pull out of your hat next.” He was quiet for a moment, and I assumed he was just giving his surroundings a quick once over for safety's sake. “Coquin's gone ahead. He should be alright on his own for now.”

“Heero, about Coquin….” I started, feeling it might be an opportune moment to drop my warning for Heero, even if it was to be in vain.

“Coquin is my concern, not yours,” he cut me off abruptly. Heero didn't like it when other people trod on his toes; if something was meant to be his job, he wasn't going to let me, God, or anybody in between get in his way. I respected that and all, but it could be damned annoying.

“And you're my concern!” I replied instantly, not sure where I was suddenly drawing inspiration from. For the first time, I was strong enough to ignore the overwhelming urge to cut and run, to play it safe. Heero'd spent his life balanced on the edge, while I kept good and far from cliffs. But now, I was thinking in a new way: perhaps it was better to be there with him to steady him should he ever lose his footing.

He said nothing, and I imagined he was looking around in that overly cautious way of his. I didn't understand how someone could be so reckless and so careful at the exact same time. But then again, that was just the way Heero was.

“L-Look,” I blustered, suddenly unsure of how to proceed, his silence catching me more off-guard than any words ever could. “What I mean to say is….”

“Why are you so nervous, Duo?” Heero asked, cutting me off again. This time, though, there was no mistaking the curiosity in his voice. “It's not like I'm never coming back or anything. You can tell me whatever you like as soon as the mission's over. We'll have coffee.”

My teeth sunk into my bottom lip as I heard him say that, a warm pinprick of blood rising up and dribbling back onto my tongue. “O-Okay, then, Yuy,” I said quickly. “But that better be a promise.”

“It's a promise, then,” replied Heero. Quiet once more, I was left listening only to his quick, adrenaline-pulsed breaths as he took another cautious glance around.

“Heero -“

“Duo,” he said, speaking at the exact same time. There was another brief pause, each of us waiting for the other to continue. “You first,” he decided.

But I was quick to insist otherwise. “No, no, you go,” I said hastily, desperate to hear what was on his mind.

“It's nothing important,” he answered in such a way that I imagined him shrugging as he said it. “I just wanted to know what's bothering you, Duo. It's clear there's something gnawing at you and it worries me.”

I let out a pretty unconvincing chuckle. “No need to worry about me, Heero, my man,” I said, physically feeling the false exuberance run out of me. “I was just… thinking, y'see, and I got to something that I thought, maybe, I should tell you, so….”

“What is it, Duo?” Despite the succinctness of his words, he didn't sound annoyed or anything - the opposite, really. For a minute, I found myself wondering if he knew already and had been waiting for me to make a move. Goddamn, if that was true, I don't know how I'd continue to live with myself. I'd been the biggest dork!

“Well,” I said, drawing out the word as I stalled for time, trying to come up with the right words. “It's… it's you.”

Another almost unbearable silence fell between us, filled only with his rhythmic breathing. And then, almost inaudibly, I heard him whisper disbelievingly, “…me?”

I can't explain what it was about his tone that inspired me to pour my heart out as profusely as I did, but my mouth was moving before I even had a chance to control what it was saying. “God, yes, you!” I cried, gripped the edge of the desktop and leaning nearer to the computer screen like it would actually bring me closer to him. “Every day of my life, it's been you. All these years… I guess I thought I needed a little time to wake up, but in reality, I was just too fucking pussy to be honest with myself - to be honest with you!” I let out an almost pitiable laugh. “Romance is for dreamers, right? And romance - just a dream....” I finished, trailing off into nothingness.

Nervousness overtook me when he didn't say anything for a few moments. I suppose he was just thinking about what I'd admitted, but I was still worried - as usual. Finally, he spoke, and all he wanted to know was the simplest, most complex thing anyone could have ever asked: “Why?”

I rubbed the back of my neck, laughing a little again and feeling torn somewhere between relief and nostalgia. “Heh, I guess I sound a lot like Miss Relena, huh?” I said, smiling as I thought of our hopelessly naïve, headstrong princess. “Pretty stupid, probably. Maybe if I give it some time, I'll get over it, too.”

That had to be the longest line of bullshit I'd ever shot anybody - including myself.

“If what you said is true,” Heero said slowly, his voice coming as the most relieving thing I'd ever heard, “then I must be sleepwalking - dreaming, as you say.”

“Wh-what?” I stammered, unsure of what he was trying to say. Fuck Heero and his obnoxious ambiguity! There were times I swore he did it on purpose.

“I'll keep dreaming,” Heero went on, sounding very adamant and purposeful. “Maybe one day, you'll help me wake up, also.” A shout came from somewhere on Heero's end, interrupting what was quite possibly the most important moment of my life and changing the direction of the conversation. In a more hurried tone, Heero concluded by saying, “For now, take a little time to rest your mind. You know you should, so I guess you might as well.” Two quick breaths, and then he added quickly, “I won't forget that promise, Duo.”

I found myself nodding mechanically, though I still felt an air of freedom that I'd never known before, despite being fully aware of what his future held. “Neither will I.”

Then I quickly severed the connection, not sure if I could stand to hear him vow something he wouldn't be able to do. Slumping back in the chair, my arms draped awkwardly over the back, I stared up at the ceiling and the large, wavering circles the candle was throwing across the plaster.

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“What's wrong, Duo? You look depressed,” was the first thing Quatre said to me when he saw me schlep into the office the next morning. I thought it should have been understood why I looked and felt like shit that first week of November, so I ignored him, even as he shadowed me, saying, “Buck up, Duo! Your birthday is coming up! You should make the best of it, because pretty soon, you're gonna be one year closer to the day you die.”

“A little morbid today, huh?” I snapped over my shoulder, causing Quatre to halt in his tracks.

His cheeks pinked as he drew back a little. “Sorry, Duo,” he shrugged. “I'm just telling you what you always used to tell me. I thought you liked to live by your own advice.”

I had no decent retort to that, so I just stood there for a moment, allowing my face to contort in all kinds of strange grimaces before saying tartly, “And see what a dickwad I turned out to be!” Then I stalked off, digging my fingernails into my palms and muttering under my breath about the early meeting Une had scheduled.

These regulation meetings always tried my patience and my attention span on normal days, but having one right after Halloween was like poisonous icing on the toxic waste cake. Sometimes, I wished I was just a plain old number in the ranks instead of a standing officer; that way I could have avoided all these boring meetings about every fucking hiccup in the ESUN.

Lady Une sat down at the head of the table and glanced at her wristwatch as she cleared her throat. “We might as well begin. Who has the minutes of last week's meeting?”

I tuned out about then, finding more entertainment in scanning the faces around the table. There was an empty chair between me and Lady Une at the head of the table, and to her right was Trowa, who was dutifully colouring in the Preventers logo on the cover of his notebook. Beside him and opposite me was Quatre, and then Wufei, Sally, another empty chair and then that red-haired agent named Hunter. I amused myself by watching their various expressions for about ten minutes and then, when I got bored with that, took a leaf out of Trowa's book and started doodling little stick-figure mobile suits fighting stick-figure ninjas.

The voices around me faded into blunt noises, and before I knew it, I was thankfully light years from that conference room. I think I heard Wufei say something or other on the importance of making sure Preventer influence wasn't too overbearing on the public, followed up by a comment from some other agent about recruitment. I glanced up every once in a while to make it seem like I was remotely listening, but I was more focused on the epic battle being drawn out in my notebook: a crew of pirates and a couple mobsters with nanchaku had since joined the fray.

The hollow squeak of Styrofoam being placed on the table registered in my ears, as well as Lady Une's voice as she stopped whatever she was talking about to say, “Oh, thank you. Glad you could make it.”

“I'm sorry I'm so late,” came the reply. “The barista this morning was a total incompetent.”

My head snapped up, and I registered that there was a cup of vanilla coffee sitting in front of me, black with no frills, just the way I liked it. Beside me, I was aware of another presence - someone who was pulling out the empty chair between Lady Une and me to take a seat. “H-Heero?” I gaped, unable to believe what I was seeing. “Heero, is that really you?”

He stood there for a few, blank moments, blinking those exotic, midnight blue eyes at me curiously. He had one hand curled loosely around the back of the chair, half in the process of sitting down, his other hand gingerly holding a chocolate croissant that was missing a large bite. I could feel my heart rate quadruple. There was no mistaking it: that was Heero - my Heero with his messy dark brown hair and pouty lips; my Heero, who could never conform enough to wear the uniform Preventers shirt and tie; my Heero, who could eat dozens of sweets and still not gain an ounce. My Heero, who I was still desperately in love with.

I was on my feet before I knew it, grabbing Heero by the wrists and dragging him away from the chair. He was clearly shocked by my sudden movement, but he made no effort to resist me. Instead, all he said was, “Duo? What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost.”

“I did,” I found myself saying, despite the huge lump clogging my throat. I grabbed his shoulders, which did more to steady me than him. “You've been haunting me every day of my life - ever since we were fifteen.”

Then I did something I never thought I'd ever in a million years have the balls to do. Hands still bent around his shoulders, I leaned close, letting my eyes slip closed and tilting my head scant millimeters to the side as I gently pushed my lips against his. I hardly noticed or cared about the awkward way everyone in the room was staring at us; I didn't see the way Lady Une was cocking her head, the way Wufei looked with his jaw on the floor or the smart ass grins on the faces of Trowa, Quatre and Sally. All that mattered to me in that moment was that I was kissing Heero, that his lips were slightly parted and pressing back on mine.

“I thought,” he whispered when we were through, “it was your birthday this month, not mine.”

I think I scrolled through every word in every language ever in those three seconds, but still couldn't find a single one to even begin a decent phrasing of how I felt in that moment. I wasn't sure what he meant or how he felt, and it really wasn't the place or the time to get into a discussion like that; what was important, I think, was that he was there and I was holding him - and I wasn't going to let go of him.

Not now, not ever.

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