Title: Home
Author: ralphiere
Pairing: 1x2x1, suggested 3x4x3 and 5xRx5
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Duo's POV, angst, language, slight sexual themes, sap
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them in all their non-minor goodness!
Notes: I've been listening to the new Foo Fighters album too much. This is a songfic of sorts inspired by the last song, Home. Frankly, I don't know where my brain's been, all I know is that I deposits this stuff in my lap and then vacates the premises :P

Thanks to bleedtoblue, my ultimate beta girl!

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"I know," Duo whispered, wrapping his arms tighter around Heero and wishing the sun would never rise. He did know, well his mind did anyway. He knew that Heero had to go, that Heero didn't have a choice, not really. He knew that Heero didn't want to leave him, didn't want to have to do this. Duo knew, but his heart still screamed in agony.

"It should only be a year." Duo could feel Heero's breath against his neck, Heero's muscles knotted under his fingertips. It wasn't fair to make it any harder than it already was.

"Only a year," Duo agreed softly, shutting his eyes against the signs of the coming dawn. "We can write?"

"Yes, they've agreed to my stipulations when I accepted the mission. We'll use the P.O. box system I set up. No mention of the mission, no mention of our past." Heero lifted his head and forced a smile. "You're the lover I left behind when I accepted the job."

"Shouldn't be a tough part to play." Duo returned the smile, running his fingers through Heero's tousled hair. "You'll make sure to let people know that you're spoken for?"

Heero's forced smile turned into a crooked grin. "I'm going to save the world, not date."

~*~

D-

I appreciated the pictures you sent; they've helped ease my loneliness. I can't believe our nephew is getting so big. When I left he was barely sitting up by himself and now he's walking. You're lucky Wu still lets you baby-sit after you let the little Terror tear apart his office (although I wish I could've seen both the destruction and the look on Wu's face when he came home). I hadn't realized how much I'd miss when I took this job, so many things that I'd taken for granted, so many moments I'll never get back.

Enough of that! The conversion is going well and we're actually a little ahead of schedule. I'm not getting my hopes up but if things keep going the way they are I might be home before the leaves start to fall. Another thing I'd taken for granted, seasons! The cyclical extremes of unbearable heat and frigid cold are wearing on me. After six months I've finally narrowed down a two-hour timeframe where I can run outside instead of the gym for a change of scenery. I'm craving the crisp air of Autumn in ways I can't even articulate.

Oh, you asked if I'd received your package. I'm so sorry! I meant to drop you a note when it arrived, but we were entering a critical phase at work and I was working virtually around the clock. The cookies were delicious and I'm embarrassed to admit that I ate them all in one sitting while drinking milk directly from the carton. You would've been proud. And the t-shirt? God D, I miss you more than you could ever know. Would you think less of me if I admitted that I smelled you on it and cried like a baby? I won't even mention that I've worn it to bed every night since and have yet to wash it.

I have an early morning tomorrow and want to post this before I collapse. Please send everyone my love and give the Terror a kiss for me. I miss you.

Love,

H-

Duo read the letter a second time before folding it and returning it carefully to the envelope, taking a moment to study the postage. Too many postage marks, too many cities - the letter could've come from anywhere. After putting it in the shoebox he pulled out another envelope randomly and held it in his hands, refusing to acknowledge how they shook. He ran shaky fingers through his bangs and lifted his head to watch the thick flurries of snow falling out the window. Heero had missed the leaves falling, had missed Christmas and champagne toasts with the New Year.

The letters had stopped four months ago.

D-

I probably shouldn't be writing to you in my current state of mind. We've run into a snag with the project and I've been up for the last 48 hours trying to figure out what went wrong. Major SNAFU would be an understatement. This is so incredibly frustrating. I feel like a kid at summer camp trying not to beg to come home, which says a lot because I don't think I've EVER felt like a kid.

I miss you so much I ache. I've been welcoming work because the more time I spend by myself the more I'm convinced I'm losing my mind. Maybe there's something in the air here, or something in the food, but my concentration is shot. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if it's real or just because I'm so fucking lonely. Can you understand what I'm saying D?

Please write soon and talk to me. Tell me about the way the sun looks when it sets and how the air smells near the shore? I had no idea that I'd miss the hint of ocean in the air. So much I had no idea about.

I love you,

H-

It took everything he had not to crumple the letter up in his fist. With exaggerated caution Duo slid the letter back in its envelope and returned it to the box. Even he could tell from this letter that Heero was asking for help, why hadn't they done something to pull him out? Anger washed through Duo, hot and pure, and he held onto it to keep from totally losing it. He'd gone to Une, demanded to know where Heero really was, demanded more be done. "I'm sorry, we're doing all we can - that's all we can tell you."

The wind howled, swirling the snow into an almost solid white mass.

D-

I'm happy to hear that Trowa finally got Quatre to take a vacation. I'm thinking when I get home we're due for a nice long one - maybe the mountains? Or the shore? I don't care as long as there's fresh air, vegetation, and you. Remember that time we went camping in the mountains and it poured? We had a river flowing between us in the tent and we were forced to sleep in the car. That was the last compact car I will EVER buy, it took a month before all the aches left my back from being contorted in that thing. Of course you had no trouble contorting ... that has to be our most memorable bout of lovemaking.

Speaking of lovemaking, thanks for the video. I swear I almost came just hearing the sound of your voice telling me 'I love you', let alone watching you ... wow. I wish I could return the favor, it was an incredible turn on watching you (again, and again and again) but you'll just have to imagine what I looked like while watching you ... lying in bed ... naked ... touching myself ...

For some reason I have the uncontrollable urge to watch the video again, so I'll end off here. I love you, D, more than life itself. When I think of home I don't think of our house, I think of you.

Love,

H-

With a mournful moan, Duo tossed the letter on top of the others and pushed the shoebox aside. Why was he being so fucking masochistic? He'd tried to hold onto his anger but it had been quickly replaced with the deep and painful ache of loss. He'd insisted for the last four months that Heero would return to him, even when the others had suggested that maybe it wouldn't happen. He'd punched Quatre when the subject had been brought up, and had been lucky to not end up in the hospital when Trowa lost his temper. The bruises had been spectacular.

He'd welcome more bruises if he could forget the phone call he'd had with Une that morning. I'm sorry, Duo, but we have to assume the worse. His cover must've been compromised ... we haven't been able to find a single trace of him. The white noise that had filled his head made it hard for Duo to follow along after that. He'd remembered something about closing the case ... of having a memorial service.

How could they just leave him?

~*~

"I'm not going!" Duo finally let his voice go and screamed into the receiver. He was done being talked to like he was either a small child or a mental patient. He refused to believe that Heero was dead. No. Fucking. Way. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "I appreciate what you guys are trying to do. I don't fault you for believing the popular opinion, but I do NOT fucking think Heero is gone. I'm not going to the memorial service. I'm not going over to Quatre's after."

"Duo, please. You need to stop-"

"No, Wufei, you need to stop! Do what you need to do, but leave me out of it!" Duo slammed the phone down and resisted the urge to throw it across the room. Deep down he knew the others were thinking of his best interests, he really did, but that didn't make what they were doing right. He'd know if Heero were really gone, he knew he would.

"I'd know," he said to the empty house, not caring that he was talking to himself. He went into the kitchen and poured himself another cup of coffee before returning to his chair by the window and looking out at the yard. There were still traces of snow on the grass, but even from there he could see the green sprouts of the crocuses coming up along the edge of the walk. Setting his coffee down on the windowsill he pushed the window upwards a few inches and was greeted by the smells of sunshine and warming earth.

Inhaling the fresh smells of spring, he reached into the shoebox of letters and pulled one out without looking. He'd read them all so many times that he could almost recite them from memory, the paper was worn and creased. Picking up his coffee he took a sip and started to read.

D-

I hope this letter is finding you well. I'm sorry to hear that you caught a cold from the Terror. I was talking to a co-worker after you'd written and she informed me that kid germs are extremely nasty. I wish I could've been there to make you chicken soup and make sure you were properly tucked in - I swear I'm gone less than a month and you're already falling apart! Maybe you've learned your lesson and will stop letting the Terror feed you soggy Cheerios from his mouth. EWW.

I'd accepted an invitation to play poker with a couple of guys from the lab. It appears that I've mastered the 'poker face' (even though I'd barely played before) and have been informed, after cleaning out all their wallets, that I won't be invited back. I'm torn between being amused at the situation and sad that I really have nothing in common with these people. I'm going to be stuck here until my contract with the company is up (or I manage to finish the job, whichever comes first) and it would be nice to not spend it completely alone. Of course I can't help but think what your opinion of them would be and it makes me feel less lonely.

I wish you could be here with me. Please make sure you're going out and having a good time so I can live vicariously through you. Your letters really keep me going.

Love and Miss You,

H-

Duo put the letter down and swallowed hard. For eleven months they wrote each other constantly and then suddenly the letters stopped. He'd kept writing, hoping, until his letters started being returned to him. Running his fingers over the neat script on the paper he closed his eyes, willing away the hot, tight feeling behind them.

~*~

"Gotcha!" Duo wrapped his arms around the toddler's waist and scooped him up. His heart swelled with love for the boy as Noel squealed with delight.

The sun was warm against his skin but there was a breeze enough to keep the heat from becoming oppressive. He set Noel in the grass and watched as the boy flexed his toes, doing the same with his own bare feet. It was shocking how fast summer snuck up on him. Part of him felt guilty for letting time pass, for smiling and laughing while the other half of his heart was missing, but he'd write it all in his letter tonight. 'Write and talk to me', Heero had requested and Duo still provided. He wrote letter after letter so Heero would know what he'd been doing while he'd been away, all of them sealed in envelopes and stacked on his dresser.

H-

The Terror came over today to help me weed the garden. He ended up pulling up more flowers than weeds, but I assured him that his mother would appreciate a bouquet. I can't believe how big he's getting and how much he's talking! Wu says he takes after me and never shuts up. I take that as a compliment...

The chubby hand in his started tugging, pulling him out of his thoughts. "Mail! Mail!"

Duo looked up and noticed the red flag up on the mailbox, not remembering the mailman coming. He smiled down at Noel and gave the boy's hand a squeeze. "Okay, Buddy, let's go see what we got."

Pulling away, Noel sprinted down the driveway towards the mailbox. Duo smiled fondly as he listened to small bare feet slapping against the pavement, making a note to add that in his letter. By the time he reached the mailbox, Noel was stretched on tiptoe trying to reach the door, and Duo lifted him so he could pull the door open and reach inside. Noel pulled out a single envelope and held it to the side as he peered in hoping for more.

"Only one," Noel announced, looking at the letter in his hand. "For me?"

Duo laughed. "Probably not, Buddy, let me see." He looked at the letter when he took it from the boy's hand, his smile fading. The neat letters were familiar, making him forget to breathe. It took him a moment to wrap his mind around what was wrong with it after getting over the shock from the handwriting. There were no postmarks, no stamps, just his first name written in the very middle. Duo.

"Unca Duo?"

"Hmm?" Duo looked down at the small boy, suddenly registering the waver in his voice. He squatted down and wrapped an arm around Noel's waist. "What's the matter, Buddy?"

"You sad." Noel reached out and touched Duo's face. "Boo boo?"

"No sweetie, Uncle Duo doesn't have a boo boo. Let's go inside and get some juice." Holding the letter in one hand he took Noel's hand with the other and led him towards the house, scanning the surrounding yard for a sign. He felt suddenly surreal and tried to ground himself with the feel of the small hand in his.

Once he'd helped Noel wash his hands in the kitchen sink, he filled Noel's sippy cup with apple juice and brought him into the living room. "It's rest time, kiddo." He watched Noel get his blanket and a pillow from the couch and settle himself on the floor before putting on Sesame Street.

"Honkers!" Noel crowed, curling up on his side with his blanket wrapped snuggly around his fist.

Duo's heart pounded in his chest with anticipation over the letter, but he waited until Noel's eyes drifted shut before he went into the kitchen and picked the letter up off the counter.

D-

I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I heard about them closing the case, I heard about the memorial service, but I've heard very little of you. I'd like to say that I stayed away for you, but I stayed away for purely selfish reasons. When my cover was blown they'd tried to find you to use you to hurt me, and I couldn't risk leading them back to you. I couldn't bear to live in a world without you in it, so I left you to suffer alone for my own selfish reasons. I can't express how sorry I am that I hurt you. It broke my heart to think of you not knowing where I was, mourning my death, hating me for leaving you. I'm selfish, yes, but at least I know that you're alive and able to enjoy the sunshine and the love of family and friends. Knowing you're alive and well is worth your hatred.

It took me longer than I anticipated to tie up all the lose ends to ensure your safety. Such things needed to be done outside the reach of Preventers, I couldn't risk their ethics. So much time had passed and I didn't know how to reach out to you once my mission was complete. I didn't know how you'd react to my return. Maybe the whole experience has turned me into a coward, but as I watched you and Noel outside, as I watched you laugh and smile, it filled me with such love for you.

I don't know what to do.

H-

Duo felt lightheaded, leaning against the counter with the letter clutched in his fist and closing his eyes. Heero had watched them outside. Heero was here. "What do you mean you don't know what to do?" Duo whispered, his voice laced with pain.

"I'm afraid you won't want me back."

Duo spun around at the sound of Heero's voice, laughter, tears, and anger warring inside of him for escape. He vaguely wondered if this is what it felt like to lose one's mind. "Please tell me you're really standing here."

Heero smiled despite the insecurity that still reflected in his eyes. "I'm really standing here."

Hesitating, Duo searched Heero's face. "I don't know whether to punch you or kiss you."

"Both?" Heero suggested, opening his arms.

Duo didn't hesitate any longer, launching himself and wrapping himself around Heero. "You're real. You're really real." Without waiting for a response, Duo brought their lips together. It had been almost two years since Heero had gone, months and months since the last letter, and suddenly all that lost time meant nothing.

He felt the hard counter under his ass right before Heero pulled away and rested his forehead against Duo's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter," Duo soothed, wrapping his arms tight around Heero, feeling the waves of sorrow rolling off of him. "You're home now, that's all that matters."

"That's all I wanted," Heero said softly, lifting his head and looking into Duo's eyes. "That's all I've ever wanted."

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END

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~*~
"Home" by Foo Fighters

Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today

All I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror
You look the same
Just lookin' for shelter
From cold and the pain
Someone to cover
Safe from the rain

All I want is to be home

Echoes and silence
Patience and grace
All of these moments
I'll never replace
No fear of my heart
Absence of faith

All I want is to be home
Ooh

All I want is to be home

People I've loved
I have no regrets
Some I remember
Some I forget
Some of them living
Some of them dead

All I want is to be home