[what you get Title: What You Get
Pairing: Take a wild guess.
Rating: somewhere between PG-13 and R
Warnings: Post EW, intentional tense change, m/m. My screwy sense of humor plus Maxwell's mouth. It's a whacked combination.

A/N: I needed to be amused. This is what happened. By rights, my brain ought to be switched off at certain times of the month.



Damn, it's been a long time. Three years? Wow. Yeah, it's good to see you, too. I didn't... um. Thanks. Nice of you to say so. I see you're looking pretty excellent yourself. Chang's a lucky bastard. He treating you right? Better be, or I'll kick his ass.

Aw, look at the big, bad, blushing Preventer. Don't worry, red works for you. If you don't believe me, try it on Chang, he'll be putty in your hands. Hell, who wouldn't?

Yes sir, Ms. Noin, sir. Shutting up now, sir. You know, you've still got the old OZ attitude going on. It's way sexy. I bet you could -- sorry, you want to repeat that? I can't hear you over the tube. Hey Jim, could you turn the vid down? Yes! Thank you! Better. You were saying? Oh, Yuy. He's fine. Business as usual. I mean, why would Heero Yuy want to change for any reason? He's got himself all squared away, twenty-four/seven. But seriously, folks...

Hey, put your creds away. This one is on me. Should have said so before now, but my manners are the suck. Comes from being around Yuy too much. 'Get over here, Maxwell' is his idea of 'hi, how's it going?' The guy just doesn't see the point of please or thank you. There's a reason I'm the company face. He can scare off a potential customer in ten seconds flat. Last year he lost us a major account when I had to be somewhere else for two measly hours. Half the time I feel like I've spent five years banging my head against the hunk of gundanium that is Yuy's brain.

Why do I stick around? The real question is: why did I join up in the first place? It's funny. You're the first person with enough brass to ask point blank. I'm sure Peacecraft tried to pry the answer out of a whole bunch of somebodies, but even she knew better than to get in my face.

Yeah, I know she's your friend. She's also a huge pain in the rear when she wants to be. Some of the shit she pulled during the war just about blew my mind. But, whatever. Ancient history. She sure as hell wasn't the only one who thought me and Yuy plus the start-up was a weird idea. Hilde avoided the subject for months. Even Quatre didn't come right out and say anything. Tell you the truth, though, I'm not sure what I would have said if either of them had. Because honestly? I didn't have a friggin' clue.

Well, maybe I didn't have one then, but I'm starting to think it all comes down to timing. You remember how damned sick of Preventers I was, right? And Yuy's always been good at picking his moment. I swear the guy hangs around in this cloud of invisible Yuy particles, and the minute the shit hits the fan it's wham, bam, alakazam! I Dream of Heero. Or something like that.

So yeah, timing was what got me. Right time, right place, wrong frame of mind. And Yuy... well, you know Yuy. See an unknown, kill it. He would have blown me away back in '95 if I hadn't drilled him before he could pull the trigger. Even now he doesn't like me much, but I've been a static blip on his radar for years. More so than anyone else, so there's your answer. Just call me the less-est of all evils. That and I fuck him. That's gotta count for something.

Take it easy, there! Slow breaths, tiny sips. Can't have you croaking yourself on my watch. Chang'd kill me, not to mention Une. The wine's not that bad, is it? This is L1, not L2, and Jim's got a good buyer, so... what? You mean the sex thing? You didn't know about that? I thought you guys did. Whoa hey, learn something new every day.

How long have-? Oh man. Years. Since... god, since the first war. Jeeze, you're making me feel old. But you guys seriously didn't know? Not even Q? Damn. I guess Yuy's not the only one who's all that and a bag of chips at sneaking around. No, my problem is I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. And now you think you get to pry all the gory details out of me, don't you? Women. You lot aren't happy unless you're dissecting everyone else's sex lives. The when, the what, and the why. As far as I can recall, I was thinking, 'Why not?' The rest is classified. I could tell you, but-

Ow, knock it off, Noin, I'm kidding! If you're that bored, I will tell you, although it's not all that edifying, story-wise. I mean, this is me and Yuy. If you're looking for romance, buy a book. Just...yeah? Well, I guess so. It's your time and my dime. Keep your jets on idle, I gotta go back a ways for this one. Like, 195, back. Point of entry -- let's say somewhere way four o'clock of Lisbon and leave it at that. You probably don't remember, or maybe you OZzies never got that intel, but during the war Yuy had what I considered an unhealthy attraction to boarding schools. I can't say I shared it, but I understood the reasons for it. And one of the few times I followed his example we... hmn. I suppose you could say the paths converged.

You see these cheeks of mine? The ones up top, wench. Take a good look. Hey! I said look, not touch. I can't tell you how many times I've had one of those grandma types pinch the dumb things. When I was fifteen these cheeks made me look ten years old, and Yuy, poor sucker, wasn't much better off. We were kids, and let's face it: it showed. A little make-up, a pair of tweezers, and Yuy was just one of the girls. I told him it was his own fault for being such a freakin' pretty boy. He punched me. I probably deserved it. Glass houses and all that.

Shut up. Go ahead and try the skinny-ass fifteen year old guy with chipmunk cheeks and big girly eyes gig on for size. Go on. See how well you like it.

Okay, you can stop laughing now. This here's serious business. Oh, you don't think so, huh? Thanks for nothing. The point I was trying to make, before I was so rudely interrupted, is that the school kid routine was one of the better covers available to us. Think about it. Your average, well-meaning adult gets an eyeful of stray juvenile and whammo! Hello, the authorities. No teenage runaway wants to go there, much less colony spawn and wanted terrorists. Sure, I always said that anyone who saw me in blowing-shit-up mode was toast, but I think even Yuy would've balked at shooting some poor housewife with a runny nosed rug-rat hanging off her.

On the other hand, this is Yuy. He doesn't half like the little buggers. Ha, yeah, or brats in general. He sure hated my guts...

I'm digressing, aren't I? I do that a lot. That's what your boyfriend always says. Whoa! Chill. I'm not criticizing, just sayin'. You know, you've got damned touchy over the last three years. I figure it's self defense, given your, ahem, better half. Which is fine by me. Just don't bite my head off 'cos Chang's got perpetual PMS--ow! I give, I give! You guys are both perfection incarnate, all right? So you can let go of the braid, now, nice and easy. Um, please?

Uhnf, woman. That's some grip you got there. I'm not saying that's not an asset in a lot of situations, but -- okay, moving on.

What was I talking about, anyway? Oh, right. Yuy and schools. Like I said, I got why he gravitated in that direction; I just didn't share his preference. Then again, I had my own connections, so I didn't need his brand of cammo. But Yuy had jack in the way of dirtside contacts. Fucking J sent his ass down there with no one to watch his back. It's been ten years, and it still pisses me the hell off when I think about it. G was a bastard, I'll grant you, and he had a totally whacked sense of humor, but at least he didn't fuck me up, over and sideways the way J did Yuy.

See, what did I tell you about digression? Can't help it, my brain goes all over the damn pla-... well, hell. I'm empty. Look, you want to go one more round? I've got twenty minutes before I have to head out, and -- yeah? Cool. Hey, Jim, I need a couple of refills over here! We're paying customers, man, quit watching the game. Oh yeah? Well, same to you, pal! I tell you, the service here is for shit. Comes to something when boss lady Preventers can't get no respect.

Anyway, I -- huh? Nah, we just like razzing each other. We go back some, me and Jimmy. He used to work for Howard before he opted out of the Sweepers and started this place. Nice, yeah? Not a fucking fern in sight. Howard's generous that way. Treats his guys like long lost sons. 'Cept the ones who try to screw him over, but that kind don't last long on Howard's ships.

You know, Yuy could've used someone like Howard in his life. I dunno. This might just be me blowing sunshine up my own ass, but maybe he wouldn't have turned out so fucked in the head if he'd had a Howard around to smack some sense into him when he was a kid. Heh, and explain to him exactly how and why J was so full of shit. He wouldn't have needed those damned boarding schools, either, which would have made it a lot harder for Peacecraft to track him down. And that would have made him a hell of a lot happier. Or whatever Yuy's version of happy is.

What? You've got to be kidding. I don't think anybody knows Yuy that well. Not even me. Not now, and definitely not in '95. Jesus, that time I stayed in one of those zoos for rich brats with him is burned into my brain. Up school! Up school! Rah fucking rah. Bunch of over-bred snobs. You know what I'm talking about. You probably attended a string of 'em yourself, am I right? So not my thing, but Yuy fit right in. He likes to think he's above it all, but that boy's as snotty as they come.

You know why I was really there? I didn't have to be. One of Howard's captains was stationed off the coast. I could have left whenever I wanted. I stuck around because I knew it'd annoy the crap out of Yuy. Don't look at me like that, it was wartime. I had to get my jollies when and how I could. 'Sides, pissing Yuy off is a hobby of mine. It's fun to see how far I can go before I get sucker-punched. And the answer, lady and germs, is...wait for it...the answer is: not very! Think December 197. Location? That little redheaded charmer's place on X18999. Guess I'm just a masochistic moron at heart.

Want to hear something funny? Yuy hates it when I call him by his first name. Why? Oh, possibly because once upon a time I just happened to catch the mating call of the semi-wild Peacecraftis Relenaeus. And I am shit at resisting temptation. Give me an opening like that and you're on your ass for sure. When it's Yuy, though, it's usually me with a fist in my gut. Yep. Total masochist, right here.

Oi, lock it down! I'm getting there, I swear. These things take time. Gotta tell it right, set the mood. And I guess that brings me back around to 195 and our posh petting zoo. The first week I was there, me and Yuy did the 'tiptoe around each other' dance. You know. Play a little ball, check out the military installation across the way, get on each other's last nerve, sort of thing. Then I -- well, I kinda slapped a really dumb dare on him. Fuck, was it stupid. But I was fifteen, which is basically the same thing. It was an op, yeah, but again, when you're living on borrowed time, you gotta get your chucks while you can.

See, the thing is... wait a minute. What the hell am I doing? You're gonna land me a good one if I tell you this. No? You sure about that? Because what we did was waste the aforementioned installation and a shitload of MS to boot. Had ourselves quite a party. Even Mr. Stoic enjoyed himself. Which reminds me. You ever heard Yuy laugh? That was the second time I did, and during a massive firefight no less. I know back then I came off as pretty out there, what with the priest get-up and the death handle, but sheesh. Yuy is such a freak sometimes. No, I take that back. Try all the time.

Damn, there I go getting off-topic. Gimme a kick if I do it again. Huh? Ho man, I did not hear that and you did not say it. That is way TMI for me, babe. Uh-huh. I'm sure you do, you sadistic wench. Quit distracting me, you're the one who wanted story time in the first place. Right, then. The base.

I got there first, although Yuy wasn't much behind. I'd already trashed half the MS compliment when he showed up and went after the tower guns. We totaled the rest of the MS, lit the place up like a plastique birthday cake then bugged out. I'd been leaving 'Scythe with the Sweepers, but Yuy had this nice little forested area that worked just as well. And it was slightly closer to our flop; a definite plus under the right circumstances, which these were. We stashed the gundams in Yuy's hidey-hole and headed back to the school. 'S a good half hour hike, but it was a nice night and I was hopped up on pure adrenaline -- I wasn't complaining. Didn't mean my mouth wasn't going a hundred km a minute, though. It always did after I'd spent an hour or so doing the MS two-step. As for Yuy, he was just plodding along ignoring me, as per the usual. Probably thinking about his report.

I still can't figure out why his attitude got to me that particular night. I was used to it, and hey, I can carry a three-way conversation by myself. If you want to know how, get yourself stuck in a bunker with Barton and Yuy. You'll learn real quick, or at least I did. So no, I don't think it was Yuy's lack of response bothering me, and usually I'm damned good at entertaining myself, but... well. I was sky-high. I'm sure you know the feeling.

Anyway, we made it back to the school without problems. Yuy disabled security and we cut across the grounds, through the training facilities. That place was big on sports, which was the only thing I really liked about it. They were equipped for everything: baseball, basketball, football, track, martial arts, golf, polo, rugby, archery, aaaaaaaand swimming. Two pools, indoor and outdoor.

I said it before and I'll say it again: I don't know what was going on in my head right then. My skin was crawling and my brain was fizzing; I was one big, exposed nerve ending. When Yuy decided to shave a few minutes off our time and hop the fence around the outdoor pool I was okay with it. Just sort of going along, not thinking much. And twitching. A lot.

So there we are. I'm jumpy and yappy and Yuy is undoubtedly planning my demise. We're walking along the rim of the pool and I'm staring at the way the water is reflecting the moonlight off of Yuy's skin. I'm thinking how pretty it is. And then -- well, I'm not positive about this, but I'm almost sure I thought something like, 'Wonder how he'd look with it all over him?' Next thing I know, my hand is out, there's this enormous splash, and Yuy is in the water.

Am I laughing? Shit yes, I'm laughing. I mean, come on. This is Heero Yuy, scourge of the Earth Sphere. And he's standing in the kiddy end of the pool with his fringe plastered to his face, looking like a drowned rat. You can bet your six-figure salary I'm laughing hard enough to hack up a lung. Might have done, too, for all I'm paying attention.

Yuy's not doing anything yet, but he's wet as fuck and mondo pissed. Don't get me wrong. Yuy is always pissed about something, but this is that really special kind of pissed; the kind that gives the guy on the other end of it a warm, fuzzy, job-well-done glow. And speaking of, I'm down on the concrete, all hunched over and wheezing like a geriatric hyena. Just, you know, doing my glowing thing. A squad of OZzies could have walked up and wasted my ass, and I wouldn't have noticed. Then Yuy stops glaring for a few seconds and shakes himself like a dog would. Water goes every damn where, and I'm all: "Shit!" I'm still trying to blink the chlorine out of my eyes, then there's this jerk on my braid and what the hell, I'm airborne.

Yeah, you guessed it. Splash central, redux.

I come up spewing water like a fountain and by the time I get my eyes working and my lungs cleared, Yuy's maybe a yard away from me. His arms are crossed and he's smirking, the bastard. You know the look. It's the one that'd get his ass kicked on a regular basis if anyone could kick his ass. I know my limits. Put me in an MS and I can hold my own against anyone, but Yuy is Iron Man all by his lonesome, and the son of a bitch knows it.

About then is where I start thinking that I am extremely dead. I can almost see my strangled corpse floating facedown in the water. For some weird reason, though, it's not happening. Yuy is still dripping and smirking, and I'm starting to get cold. I'm also wondering how the hell I'm going to get myself out of this in one piece, when Yuy finally opens his mouth and goes, "If you want my attention, Maxwell, there are better ways of getting it."

Oooookay. So that little comment sort of knocks me on my ass, and while I'm doing my best impression of a dying fish, Yuy makes his move. I'm not sure how it goes down. My head isn't really all there. What I do know is that two seconds later Yuy has my braid wrapped around his hand and we are up close and personal in a big way. In other words, he's got his tongue in my mouth. Hard to get more personal than that unless you're already naked and horizontal.

Goddamned Heero Yuy. Kissing Duo freakin' Maxwell. Trust me on this, it was a mind-job and a half.

Now that I think back, I figure it's maybe the adrenaline talking, but the way I remember it, that sucker was the hottest kiss of my life. Before and since. It fried my circuits and shorted every synapse in my body, which is possibly how I ended up on my back on Yuy's bed twenty minutes later, chewing a hole in his shoulder while he screwed my brains out and I tried not to wake up the whole damned school.

Ouch? Oh yeah. Yuy has never been much for slow and we didn't have lube -- not anything I'd have been willing to use, that is. I didn't care about the lack during, but afterwards? I didn't walk straight for a week, and holy god in heaven, if I'd had a pillow to spare I'd have put it in Deathscythe's cockpit. But let me tell you something. There's nothing like fucking someone you know you can't really damage. Nothing like fucking someone you know you can hurt if you need to, and it won't matter. And the best part is, you know they'll hurt you back just as good. I loved every damned minute of it. I'm pretty sure Yuy felt the same way, since he did me all over again next chance he got. Come to that, he still does. Which I guess proves as how both of us have a lot more sac than smarts. No surprises there, huh?

He's still got the scar, by the way. From where I bit him. Hey, I shit you not! Ask him about it sometime. Maybe he'll even show you instead of shooting you. I kind of doubt it, though, 'cos I think I just might be the only person who's seen Yuy naked and lived to te--oh heeeeeeey there, Heero. What's up?

Late? I am not eith-...oh. Ahahaha. I guess I am. Um. Would you believe unforeseen circumstances? Seriously, how often does Noin get out this way? Oh come on, Yuy, lighten up. Make nice with the pretty lady for a bit then we'll go do whatever it is you think we have t--shit, ow! Quit with the yanking, that's attached!

Noin, I'm sorry, babe, but I gotta go. Say hi to Wuffers and Po and the scary Lady for me, okay? I'll call you later -- see if we can't all hook up again before you guys leave. Oi Yuy! Slow down, man! How many times do I have to tell you? I am not the kind of guy you can just drag around by his-

fin